woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os