it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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