He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she told me i tasted like america
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She said her name was "party"
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward