just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
