I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.