It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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