btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
