Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dating After Heartbreak
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.