just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
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I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom