Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Its about making memories worth repressing
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
was it more than 30 minutes?
then you're in a relationship
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I cockslap morals
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.