Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.