There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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