Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that