i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
