she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?