theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
