Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Are my feet made of real feet?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?