I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.