When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.