Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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