he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.