she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed