Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.