I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you didnt know i had herpes?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava