It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's Friday. Sex?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
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Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.