Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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