Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.