Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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