I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dating After Heartbreak
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal