Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?