He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.