would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.