i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
My pussy is not your playground.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My brain says no but my pants say off.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety