He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.