Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way