He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
i dont even know how to be here
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She's allergic to latex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.