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tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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