New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
