No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"