he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way