I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi