I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section