I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
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Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.