at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
