We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dating After Heartbreak
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?