Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hippo gnu deer
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.