my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her