Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Even my vagina gasped.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids