Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!