You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.