Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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